Romance 101: The Manly Art of Love-Letter Writing
Are you ready to turbo-boost your marriage? Then tell your wife how much she means to you by writing a Love Letter.
OK… yep… uh-huh…You are muttering all kinds of excuses, but even with callused hands, grease-stained pants, and the vocabulary of a high-school-dropout-turned-sailor, you can write an amazing love letter. Why?
TRUST ME, YOU CAN WRITE A LOVE LETTER
First, you have an amazing wife. She does have one weakness, she impresses very easily. How do I know? Because she married you. Haha, right?
I mean c’mon, she didn’t marry you because of your writing ability. Now unless you are a published author (sorry Jim), then your wife is not expecting you to be able to do some amazing writing in a love letter.
Second, in John 15:12, Jesus said, “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” He wants us to love, and our marriage is the most important earthly relationship. There are too many verses about love to deny that Jesus is ‘all in’ on love. It is the manly thing to do.
Here is the problem, when attempting to write a Love Letter, most men focus on writing a letter, squirming at the words “writing” and “letter.” Instead, do this trick, just focus on the love.
If you emphasize sharing your love and brag about your wife, then she will gleefully ignore any misspelled words, bad punctuation, run-on sentences, etc. These are things your middle school English teacher focused on, but your wife will read between the lines. She was created to receive your love.
WHERE TO START
When you go on your fishing trip, do you just jump in your truck and take off? For the remodeling project around the house, do you just take out the Sawzall and start hacking away on your wall? When we were younger, we would make those mistakes. But the gray-haired man takes time to plan and think about supplies and timelines and preparation. In the same way, writing a love letter works best when we plan before we actually write. So to start, you need to set aside time to plan.
Find an afternoon over the weekend when the wife and kids are busy. Or during the week, set aside part of each lunch break. You can even consider blocking out a part of your morning routine. But do not attempt this at the end of a long, hard work day. If you think your wife is “The Best” then you should find a time that is “The Best” for you. Just like spending time with God, you want to be fresh to think clearly; in fact, I personally took some of my “quiet time with God” and reflected on the amazing helpmate that God gave to me. No guilt, man, just suck it up, grab a notebook and something to drink, and make time to think about your bride.
A SUGGESTED PROCESS
There is no formula to writing a love letter, and if you feel ready, then go for it. But, if you want some guidance, here is a series of questions for you to consider.
Do not rush through this list. Take 3-10 minutes per prompt. Look out your window or better yet, sit outside in God’s Creation, sip your coffee, and just think about this amazing woman in your life.
Make sure to JOT DOWN NOTES as you think about these prompts:
Starting with something easy, write down 2 or 3 things you love about her (physical) looks. God gave a man testosterone to notice his wife’s beauty, and in today’s culture, your wife needs to hear about her beauty FROM YOU.
What are 1 or 2 things that your wife does? God gifted her hands and feet to do great works. What does she do that makes you proud of her? "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." (Proverbs 31:29)
Think about a time your wife has spoken to you and it was truly God pushing you into something He wanted. Try to think of a big decision or issue where her words were like a voice from heaven. Also, think of ongoing or day-to-day ways that she talks to you. (Note: If you have never thought about her words in this way, then this question is an even bigger reason to reflect on her like this!)
Do you remember when you first met your wife? Hopefully, this is a favorite memory, but additionally, think about 3 or 4 memories along the way that have been “impactful” or “molded your marriage” to be better.” Consider an event or decision or even something “horrible” that with your 20-20 vision, you can now clearly see how God made “all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
Picture your future. What are you looking forward to doing with your wife? Write down 1 or 2 trips or big activities. Also, write down 1 or 2 day-to-day details you look forward to doing; for example, breakfasts on the patio or evening walks holding hands (This is THE bonus phrase, you need to use the phrase “holding hands” somewhere in your love letter. For some reason, women love the idea of holding hands. If she wanted the same feeling in you, she would say she wanted to “mud wrestle with you.” Similar response).
What is something about your wife that is only known by you, or at least only those closest to her? The key is “special” things about her, unique things that set her apart in just the tiniest way. For example, does she hate a foot massage but loves a back massage; or does she hate ice cubes in her soda but likes ice in water. It could be something big, like a dream she has to start a business to help teen moms or randomly wanting to sing atop the Empire State Building.
What are 3 or 4 of her favorite things? Be specific. For example, don’t say “flowers” instead write down “tulips” or “white roses.” Also, you might consider things that bring a smile to her face, like going to the Oregon Coast and watching the waves, or the Red Quilt on the back of the couch from her grandma.
These last two questions seem like they could be used to get your thoughts started, but after reflecting on the deeper parts of your relationship, these questions will now trigger some specific and emotional memories.
After doing this activity, I remembered a heart-shaped flower I always gave Amy (my wife) for Valentine’s Day, surprising her at work; this was a hidden memory I was able to recall and share in my love letter.
Other important memories are those that directly draw attention to God’s Hand in your marriage. You could include a Bible passage or multiple bible verses. My wife and I were very intentional about our wedding verses, and one passage, in particular, I can easily share and it communicates immediately to her. God can use meaningful Bible verses from your past or even a new verse to weave His love into this love letter.
These questions may take you 30 minutes or 30 hours or 30 days. It doesn’t matter, so long as you take time to slow down and dust off memories and details you had forgotten you knew about your wife. You now have the materials to “build” a love letter.
TIME TO WRITE
The goal is to write a Love Letter, but if you want a mulligan on this first round, then you could always just go buy a blank card (with a flower on the outside, of course) and write a long note.
Otherwise, I challenge you to set aside an hour or two to write (pick a different day than your reflecting day), look over your list, and just start writing stuff from your list.
The format is NOT important. You have all these jewels of memories and thoughts about your wife. Just put this stuff on a clean piece of paper for your wife. Consider using phrases like:
Do you remember when…
When I think of you, I…
Something else I love about you…
When you did _____, my life…
But the truth is that your amazing wife is married to you. And so your words and ideas are going to mean the most to your wife. You just have to get started. ANYTHING from you will be huge!
Just giving her ANYTHING in written form shows her that you are willing to act because of your love for her!
One final comment, you should write this letter by hand. It is more personal. It might take more time and is less convenient, but handwriting communicates greater value. If you have sloppy handwriting, just be more careful, slow down, and do your best.
Because truly, that is all your wife really wants, your best. It is you she loves and she longs to have proof of your love in the form of a Love Letter.
God wrote 66 Bible books of love for His Bride.
Be like Jesus and write 1 letter of love to your bride.
P.S. The best love letters do NOT talk about sex, but good love letters lead to the best sex.
About Kevin Brewer
Kevin Brewer is nearing the end of the 'Stress Bubble' years with the youngest of his 3 sons only two years from graduating and his wife of 25 years (Amy) excitedly adding more house projects. He serves as a church elder and works as a math professor, spreading the Good News of Jesus amidst the equations and numbers. Anything impressive Kevin has can be traced to individuals who truly were amazing, whereas his main talents include trying, confessing, and believing he can improve.